


I should be proud now but I'm sad, cause me and the world are out of touch, like the relationship between me and my dad

by cutebutpsyco



Series: alone for christmas [1]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), IronStrange - Fandom, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol as coping mechanism, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Christmas, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, mention of suicide thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 02:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16845352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutebutpsyco/pseuds/cutebutpsyco
Summary: It's Ironstrange Reverse Big Bang time atIronstrange Havenon Tumblr.And now Tony was there, on Christmas night, committing all the same mistakes Howard did. How could he say he hated his father if his father was the person he was turning into?





	I should be proud now but I'm sad, cause me and the world are out of touch, like the relationship between me and my dad

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am for the Ironstrange RBB. I want to thank [phierie](http://phierie.tumblr.com/) for the beautiful art that inspired this thing (and that you can find in the fic as well) and for having followed me in my brainstorming of ideas.  
> Then, an enormous thank you to [shadesofdeviant](https://shadesofdeviant.tumblr.com/) for being a great beta. It's been a real pleasure to work with you both!  
> The last thank you goes to the wonderful staff of the Ironstrange Haven on Tumblr, you are great!
> 
> Nothing belongs to me, title from Lego House by Ed Sheeran (actually is Gosling Remix because for once I love a remix almost more than the original song, but still)

The ceiling was shining under the cold light, the crystal reflected the rays from the neon lamps, giving the place something which could have been considered similar to the Northern Lights for people who had never seen it, Tony wasn’t among those. There was some kind of soft music, and people chattering in the background, a more annoying melody than the one which came from the hidden speakers. Tony’s eyes wandered to the huge Christmas tree in the middle of the room and he found himself asking if it felt alone as the souls of the few people who were inside the bar. 

Tony didn’t care, truth to be told. He didn’t care either about the fact that everyone recognized him. There was no news in the fact that Tony Stark was a lonely soul. It didn’t matter how much he pretended to feel at ease amongst people. It was just a mask, something he wore to look like a functioning human being. Maybe that was the reason why being Iron Man was so easy. He could run away from himself. From his guilty acts and from what people expected from him.  
Maybe that was the reason why he was in a bar the night of Christmas. He and all the other people who had no-one to spend that night with.

It was sad, Stark knew that, but he couldn’t change it. Everyone, in the end, gave up on him, and those who didn’t, Tony pushed away. Because he was so much better without people around him. Because he couldn’t stand Pepper’s disappointed looks anymore, and he knew that Rhodey stuck around just because he was afraid that Tony could do something crazy if he was left alone. Well, he gained the right to do the wrong thing, just for one night. He shook his head, asking himself why he chose alcohol over a sharp razor blade. He didn’t have an answer for that, maybe, he wanted to prove he wasn’t so damaged. Or, maybe, it was just because he was afraid of death, and passing out because of the alcohol was the closest thing he knew to being dead. 

Even here, people seemed to be happy, or maybe they were just too drunk to pay attention, Tony didn’t care. His whiskey brown eyes ran over the people at the counter. Shining crystal, high stools, like everything else in that place, it looked functional and modern, elegant. That was the reason why Tony chose that place: but for the high Christmas tree, everything else looked mundane, to the point that someone could simply forget about which day it was.  
No bartenders with Santa’s hats, no stupid decorations at the tables, nothing that screamed Christmas. The last thing Tony needed, was to be reminded of that damned day.  
He remembered Christmas in his childhood house before he started college and his parents started to take vacations now they were not being forced into sharing time with him. Howard was the usual jerk, but his mom, she loved Christmas and Tony remembered her and Ana baking cinnamon rolls. Howard was never in the picture. Not that Tony wished for his father to be there.

He did, once, then he realized, maybe when he was too young, that they were better without him. And now Tony was there, on Christmas night, committing all the same mistakes Howard did. How could he say he hated his father if his father was the person he was turning into? He pushed everyone away; he pushed Pepper away a long time ago, and now he also pushed away the people he knew were probably waiting for him to show up at the Tower. But they were better without him. He couldn’t fool himself any longer, believing that they cared about him. 

It was clear that they didn’t. He shook his head. He ran away from the Tower because he didn’t want to think about the other Avengers, the ones who were in the Compound, considering that he didn’t hear from Bruce since Ultron and Thor left, as he always did. At once, the counter was again the most entertaining spot in the bar. He smiled, the ghost of a smile, to be honest, and approached the man on the other side of it. The fewer people who saw who he was, the better, and considering that the bartender already noticed him the moment he entered the place, it was best not to spread the rumour that Tony Stark was there, by his own on Christmas Night.  
Pepper and he were trying to keep their break — oh god, that sounded hypocrite — as silent as possible, and the last thing Tony wanted for was someone posting the wrong photo on the internet. 

“Another one,” He heard, coming from him his right, he didn’t even notice there was another person there. Stark turned and found himself face to face with someone who looked as desperate as he was. Well, it didn’t require a genius to understand that whoever was there was as desperate as Tony. 

Stark’s dark eyes ran across the man’s face. Pale, dark circles under his green-blue eyes, dark hair and cheekbones which could kill. There was something familiar, in the man, though Tony couldn’t right place him, nor where and if they met on some occasion so he simply cracked a smile and turned to look at the man who was providing him with alcohol. “His is on me and make one more for me too,” He said, turning again to the stranger by his side. “ Don’t need to thank me.”

“I wasn’t going to,” The man replied. His voice was hoarse, his breath smelled of alcohol and when he took the glass with his drink, it shook badly in his grip. There was a time when Tony would have pretended not to notice that, but not now, not since he broke his way out of a cave in Afghanistan. 

“Easy there,” He said, instead, placing a hand on the other man’s shoulder, giving him the space to back off and free himself if needed. Which the stranger did. Not that Tony expected for anything different. “You’d better go out and get some fresh air.”

The other man rose his piercing eyes to Tony like he just realized who the man in front of him was. He blinked his eyes and shook his head. “You Avengers finished finding things to blow up and started to take care of the poor souls of the City of New York?” He asked, and while it was the last thing Tony wanted to hear, there was something off, in his voice. That was the last place where he would have looked for the ‘poor souls’ to put it in the man’s words. 

“No, but I care about my suit and I’d rather prefer you not to drop your drink on it,” He said, flashing his signature smile. Lying about who he was, by now, was pointless, and not something Tony would have done anyway. Some would call him a narcissist, though he never denied that. 

“Don’t you have someone else to bother, Stark?” The other man asked and while he would have usually taken the suggestion and walked away — it wasn’t like this stranger was the only person in the place to speak with — he noticed that his glass was empty again. He knew that behaviour better than he’d like to admit.

“No, actually,” He answered, instead, asking for another refill of both their glasses. “And if I wanted to bother you, I wouldn’t have ordered for another of these.” 

“What do you want, then?” Which was, well, a completely and totally justified question. But not the one Tony wanted to answer because the only reason why he was speaking with someone who looked as if he would have preferred to be on the other side of the globe instead was simply that he had nobody better to bother. 

“Just to offer you a drink,” He said, which wasn’t completely wrong. Maybe he was just paying to have someone to speak with. It was sad, the great Tony Stark, alone and on the wrong side of tipsy, paying for people who didn’t want to know shit about him. Somehow, he really had turned into his father. He found himself questioning if that was what Howard did during Christmas, when he wasn’t at home, when he just showed up during the dinner, drunk and angry with everyone. “Nice to meet you, anyway.”

The other man didn’t take his hand, though he nodded. “Stephen,” He simply said and when Tony saw the man’s pale skin gripping around the cold glass he understood why Stephen didn’t shake his hand. It was crisscrossed with scars, and Tony knew well enough that people, usually, didn’t want to show them. Again, he was living proof of that. “I can do with the fresh air,” He said, a moment later, and Tony didn’t expect for it but when Stephen rose on unsteady legs, he found himself following the man out onto the wide balcony outside the bar.

From there, the skyline of New York was as beautiful as Tony remembered it to be. He loved his city; he loved looking at it during the nighttime. The problem wasn’t the city or the world. The problem was that it didn’t matter how hard he tried, Tony couldn’t find a place where he fits. He could create something which became a part of that skyline, but it wasn’t really his. 

Tony had no idea why he followed the man outside either. The other was the one who needed fresh air, Tony was perfectly fine. He was used to drinking a lot more, from a younger age than he liked to admit, but he had nothing better to do, inside, and there was something in the stranger’s eyes which mesmerized him. The air was cold against their skins, and Tony noticed how the other man's face was shining. It was clear that he drank too much even if, by now, Stark wasn’t even sure his hands were shaking because of the alcohol in his system. 

The Christmas lights from the streets were shining against the windows of the skyscrapers, even reaching the huge balcony up where they were. Colours were flowing against the man’s face, making him look like almost ethereal. His high cheekbones captured every different shade, and his eyes shone in reds and greens. Tony found himself staring at the man’s face, a billion questions threatening to slip out of his lips. He was trying to hide the shivering of the cold air, too, but he didn’t want to go back inside. 

He had no idea how long they stayed silent, both of them studying each other without daring to say anything. In the back of Tony’s mind, he could almost hear the laughs and the smell of the Avengers’ Christmas party. He never felt at home, with them. He used to tell himself that they were friends, but the truth was that he worked better on his own, out of the field. He spent around six years trying to help them and give the others everything they could wish for, but all of them were Steve’s friends, Ultron showed that much. The only people who didn’t blame him were Bruce, Rhodey and Nat, although she changed from one day to the other. Tony couldn’t understand Thor, and while he knew Vision would have sided with him, he also knew what Wanda’s power was over him. 

He shook his head. Christmas wasn’t the right day to speak about the Accords, which was why he hid the papers in his office and decided to postpone the conversation. And the reason why he was there instead of being at the Compound. 

“Feeling better?” The man — Stephen — asked him, while it wasn’t Tony who was the one who needed air, before, he found himself nodding anyway as if there was a deeper meaning in the other’s question. 

“I’d feel better at my place, to be honest,” He said with a smirk. The man’s lips moved imperceptibly to turn into a grin. “Do you want to join?” 

They didn’t make it to the Tower, the moment they reached Tony’s car their lips smashed together. Tony didn’t see it, but the only way Stephen had to forget about being in a car was keeping his eyes closed. 

\--

Tony didn’t think about the man from that Christmas party. He didn’t, he didn’t even know his surname, so it wasn’t like he could search for him, and they both were drunk and it wasn’t like they promised each other something. Though he certainly remembered his icy steel-blue eyes and his cheekbones, and the way the scars crossed his long fingers. 

He put all the pieces together when it was too late, he recognized Doctor Stephen Strange when he gave up the Time Stone for him, he remembered the sensation of those hands on his body whilst walking over Thanos’s corpse, Tony’s dark eyes watching the silhouettes of people who were starting to coming back as if they never dissolved into dust.  
His mind recalled the feeling of feverish and desperate kisses shared in the dim light coming from the street decorations in his own room in the Tower when Stephen smiled at him. And he asked himself how much the man remembered about that night from two years before. 

For that, at least, he didn’t have to wait too long. It was Peter who convinced him that they had to throw a party for Christmas and to celebrate the defeat of the Mad Titan. They all attended a lot of celebrations for the latter, though none of them were just for them to enjoy. Everyone wanted to see the world heroes, but nobody really cared about them. They deserved a party just for them, as the young Parker phrased it. And when Harley agreed, well, Tony knew he would end up hosting the party. 

Which was why Avengers New and Old, friends and relatives and sorcerers were crowding the Party Deck of the Tower. Everyone seemed to have a lot of fun, Tony realized, letting his eyes run over the people and noticing Peter and the Cloak doing something in the far corner of the room. It took a couple of minutes before Tony could actually hear the kid huffing and going back to his friends. The Cloak followed him and only now Tony could see who they were bothering. 

Stephen was seated by the counter, his eyes focused on the glass in front of him. Tony wondered if he had spoken with someone else but Peter, Wong and Christine from the moment he entered the Tower and considering that now Christine was dancing with Bruce, and Wong was nowhere to be seen that was probably the reason why Peter was with him a moment before. 

“Some habits die hard, Wizard,” Tony said, approaching him and sitting himself down on another stool. “His is on me and make one for me too,” He said, to Nat who took charge of the bar and was all but flirting with T’Challa. The Black Widow just threw a bottle at him, which Tony miraculously caught before it crashed on the floor. 

“The alcohol is yours, Stark!” She said, but he didn’t care because at that moment Stephen was smiling shyly at him, and Tony could see that he was looking for a snarky comeback in his mind. 

“I’d say the same, Anthony,” He said, pouring the drink into his empty glass. His voice like velvet on Tony’s skin. He didn’t remember that. 

“Do you remember?” Tony asked, and he had no idea what he hoped for. They shared so much, both on the spaceship and since Stephen came back from the Soul Dimension and it was clear that they were different men. Tony didn’t regret who he was, because it was what led him to be the person who he was in that moment, though he wasn’t sure he could say it was the same for Stephen. 

“How could I have forgotten about you?” Stephen asked, instead. And the only thing Tony could do, in front of that confession was moving his hand to catch Stephen’s, brushing his fingers softly against the scars on the other man’s hand. 

“I was drunk,” Tony said, in a whisper and saw Stephen freezing. Tony could understand why. Stephen exposed himself with that sentence, and what Tony just said wasn’t the best thing and Stark regretted it the exact moment he finished to pronounce the words. “Wait… What I mean was that I wish I wasn’t. Because we were two drunk messes, and now that I know you I wish I could have asked you out, first.”

He felt stupid. He felt like a teenager with his first crush and Tony Stark never had a first crush. But Stephen, apparently. Who was looking at him like a second head just grew out of his neck. “It’s not too late for that, Stark.” He answered, with the very same wink Tony remembered from the battle with Squidward. 

“Dinner tomorrow?” Tony didn’t even notice he was still brushing Stephen’s fingers with his own. The moment Stephen nodded, he found himself smiling like an idiot.

**Author's Note:**

> prompt and ideas? want to say hello? find me @ [ironstrange-is-the-edngame](http://ironstrange-is-the-endgame.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.  
> kudos and comments are rewarded with my undying love.


End file.
